"My Online Learning Journey with the Qur’an" - Student Testimonial

“My Online Learning Journey with the Qur’an” – Student Testimonial

In the name of Allah, the most Merciful, the most Gracious

Assalamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu,

Dear students and teachers of Zahraa,
I have been one of the online students for the year 2021. Many of you may not know my face but I hope you will hear my story.

In the past, I liked to believe that I was a good Muslim. That I knew enough about my religion to know what was right and what was wrong. For the most part, that knowledge helped me stay away from most of the traps youth fall into. And because of that, I thought, deen-wise, I’d always be A-OK. That is until the Almighty decided to shake my world. After high school, I went straight into university and began my life as a university student. There I faced a lot of experiences and situations I never thought I’d ever face before and from those I learned so much. Before I used to see the world in black and white and I had a very strong idea of what was right and what was wrong. But as my time at university progressed the line between the two began to blur. Some might think this a bad thing, but I think it held some good. I learned that the world was a lot more nuanced and complex than I had initially thought. I learned that good existed in bad people and bad existed in good people. I began to see the world, not in black and white, but in grey, even colour sometimes. Along the way, I also learned that I didn’t know my religion, as well as I, had thought. This was a huge blow to my ego – I mean this was my religion, my way of life and there I was unable to answer the most basic of questions. In the span of a few years, I went from being a girl with a strong conviction to one who didn’t know where she stood on anything anymore and I knew I had to do something about it. That’s when I decided to join the Zahraa Institute.

I thought, what better way to reaffirm my faith and ensure I was learning the right things than to go to the centre of Islam: the Qur’an.

I began this year with much gusto, eager to begin learning and adding to this different understanding of the world. I was sure I had been blinded by lack of experience as a child and that there were whole chunks of information ready to show me Islam was just as progressive as the modern world, that the Quran held untapped news just waiting for me to delve into. But what I found was not what I expected. For the most part, it was a mixed bag of sorts. There were things I found so profound I couldn’t understand how one could not be Muslim while other things stuck fast in my throat, like a chunk of food I swallowed prematurely. Throughout the year I experienced this inner turmoil that just refused to simmer down. Previously I had always found the Qur’an to be a source of comfort. Even though I didn’t understand the meaning, it was soothing to recite, to feel the words flow over my tongue and calm my heart. But as I began learning the meaning, things changed. I still felt that comfort, but there was also a tinge of discomfort as well. Some of the meanings of the verses, the ones that stuck in my throat, caused a heaviness to settle upon my heart and I began questioning my status as a Muslim. I was in a constant state of unsurety, not sure what to believe. Because of this unsurety and inner turmoil I thought that maybe Allah (SWT) was upset with me. That He had taken my faith away because I didn’t deserve it anymore. I mean that’s what it says in the Qur’an right? That He guides who He wills and misguides who He wills. That when He is displeased with someone, He takes away their belief.

It was early in the year when we did Surah Duha. I remember the day very well. I was sitting on my bed because I had allowed my desk to become overgrown with books, useless scraps of paper and clothes. I remember Muallima Radia translating the third verse and all of a sudden, I was overcome with a lot of emotion.

“Your Lord has not taken leave of you, nor has He detested you.” [93:3]

At the time it felt very apt, as if meant specifically for me. I spent a lot of time pondering over that surah, the way Allah (SWT) contrasts the day and night, the way our lives too go through light and dark times. It felt as if I had been wandering around in the dark for a very long time with glimmers of light peeking through every now and then. And for a little while after finding this verse, I found myself in one of those glimmers of light, my heart unburdened, and the world good.

But it didn’t last long.

I lost that small piece of light and went back to that state of unsurety and inner turmoil. I think attending class in this online format played a big role in this. There’s something about looking at the same four walls 24/7 that just does something to you. There’s a sort of disconnect when you’re watching everything through a screen. It makes it more difficult to truly be present. And when you have doubt in your heart as well…well how is it possible to truly find comfort in Allah (SWT) in that state?

And so, I found myself in the darkness again. And that’s how my year progressed. It meandered, it twisted and turned and looped back on itself quite a few times. Sometimes I traversed the light, sometimes I was battling with the dark, but I found that there was always a hand being held out, just waiting for me to grab it, an answer cradled somewhere in the lines that made up its papery skin.

When I began this year, I was standing on the roof of a building with crumbling foundations, and I was desperately searching for a way to make the world stop swaying. I entered this year thinking that, by the end of it all, I would have found what I was searching for and that I’d be ready to tackle the world. I wish I could say that I found what I needed. That I grabbed that hand and held on for dear life. But I’m still treading water. I’m still standing atop that shaky building. But this building is no longer as volatile as it was before. It’s a little less shaky, with some of the cracks filled in, some of the beams strengthened, some of the roots stronger than they were before. It just turns out that I couldn’t rebuild this type of building in the span of a year. I guess what I’m trying to say is that this year I embarked on a journey with the Qur’an, but that journey has not yet come to an end. Instead of the comfort, I thought I’d find, I found discomfort as well. But how else is a human supposed to grow and learn? We need a little bit of difficulty to push us into a new level, a new stage of development. So, for me, this is probably only the start. And I am beyond excited to see what Allah (SWT) has in store for me in the future.

Shukran for listening to my story… I love you all dearly for the sake of Allah (SWT) and pray that whatever goodness came from this year remains rooted in your hearts for the rest of your lives, both teachers and students.

Wa alaykumus salaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu.